Women are born fixers

We all love to try and change others because we think they have got it wrong and of course, we think we have it right. As Nancy Leigh DeMoss wrote, some women are "born fixers" and goes on to say:

"Our natural tendency is to take matters into our own hands, to fret and worry, to demand solutions, to feel responsible for changing the people around us—coworkers, spouses, children, friends, pastors—anyone who's doing things differently than the way we'd prefer they do them"

With the boom in Christian blogging, we are seeing the same with bloggers trying to change women because they think that the lifestyles chosen by some women is just plain wrong and they need fixing. They often don't even have the time to listen to the stories of these women but they are still quick to judge. 

We cannot change people by lecturing to them nor by being blunt and telling them they have got it wrong.

Generally this can have quite the opposition affect.

If you want to change someone's heart and bring them to the Lord, there are far better ways of going about it. 

Yes, we need (we must) share the Word of God as His Word is our life manual Declare His glory among the nations, His wonders among all peoples. Psalm 96:3), we also we need to "walk the talk"— walk as a Christians should, behaviour as a Christians should, with gentleness, kindness, meekness and care — its easy to speak, harder to live a Christian life for others to see and witness — He who says he abides in Him ought himself also to walk just as He walked. (1 John 2:6). 

If we strongly believe that a woman is doing something wrong, or needs guidances, perhaps dressing immodestly, we need to think about how to approach the subject in a kind and caring manner. The first step to all that we do should start with praying—we need to pray for others and God is waiting for us to do just that as only through Him can anything change — Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. (Philippians 2:4). 

We need to take our concerns to the Lord in prayer and through Him, He will make the necessary changes where He sees fit. But remember, His changes and solutions may be nothing like what I might suggest or you. And in the process, God might change you too, we are all works in progress and all need God's attention.

Just imagine what would happen if Christian missionaries went into a non-Christian country and told the community they are all sinners must do X, Y and Z or they will all go to hell. You simply wouldn't change the hearts of many or any, instead you are more likely to close their minds and create fear and anger. You need to invite them into your home, be hospitable (sharing a meal), show them your love for Christ, get to know them, understand them and their stories. And through this friendship and prayer — God will work in their hearts.  

I have an elderly aunt who loves the Lord and when you are with her, you can see it and feel it. She talks about the Lord as if He is her best friend, Her dearest friend and the one thing I have noticed, she never judges and she never lectures — but through her gentle words she changes others—she has a way, a meekness, a graciousness that many modern women do not have sadly. 

** She is an true encourager and we need more women just like my aunt.

I came across this comment from a lady called Joy — Over the years I have discovered that we must enter into a relationship with each of these younger women before we can have an impact on them. If I see an immodestly dressed young woman in the congregation on a Sunday morning, yes, I can walk up to her and tell her so. Unfortunately, it rarely had the desired result. . .  I have learned that I must get to know her, ask her about herself, maybe invite her to my home and allow her to see how I live (and how my daughters are required to dress) and then the young woman will be open to a discussion about modesty. It's these relationships that Christians aren't willing to take the time for. They just want to talk because, well, it's easier. I think of what Jesus said to the woman at the well. He asked her about herself, he wanted to know about her. She was deeply effected by his humility. We are missing that humility and perhaps this is why we don't have the necessary impact. 

By building that relationship—by taking the time, but offering support and encouragement — by LISTENING to the stories of these women — Christian women can make a far bigger impact in the lives of other Christian women than by lecturing or by being blunt. 

As an older Christian woman, I want to be the encourager, the woman who builds up other women and prays with them and for them and helps them look for solutions that has Christ in the centre. 

A gentle approach always works the best. 


  1. Yes. Jesus was humble, meek... and He was righteous - if anyone had the right to come and judge and lecture etc, He did. Yes He was often blunt, but He was also meek and that is something that people these days often lack - they come across with self-righteous pride when they instruct others about their errors.

    1. There are some people who love all the attention and make a lot of noise about how right they are - pride and ego gets in the way of listening and understanding others.

  2. You are a great encourager! Your blog is full of treasures and advice. I know you weren't looking for complements but you do a wonderful job, lifting spirits and giving us all things to ponder.
    Your Aunt sounds like a treasure! Just as you are to us.

    1. thankyou for your kind words :) I don't want to be one of those Christian women that hit other women over the head and tell them they are wrong and the way I live is the only way. We need to be understanding, willing to listen and encourage others rather than lecture.

  3. What a great truth you wrote about here. As a "fixer" my natural inclination is to look at people and see what they need to change. But then God showed me that if someone approached me and just told me what I needed to change I'd be very upset, and why do I think it would work when I do it to others? You're right, we must develop a relationship with other women before we can speak any "truth in love" but more importantly, to demonstrate it in our own lives!

    1. You have put this so well - we are quick to point out the faults of others but would we like it done to ourselves, no we wouldn't . Gentle encouragement makes all the differences. This verses sums up what you said.

      “Judge not, that you be not judged. 2 For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. 3 And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me remove the speck from your eye’; and look, a plank is in your own eye? 5 Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:1-5)

  4. I SO agree with you! Someone is far more likely to hear what we have to say if we first focus on having a relationship with her. My former preacher used to say, "People don't care what you know, until they know that you care."

    Patti @ Embracing Home

    1. :)) Very true - they also want to see you show love and kindness too.

  5. Oh, and I also believe that different doesn't mean wrong. Another woman may do something differently than I do, but it doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong. I'm not talking about something blatantly sinful (like cheating on her husband), but about issues where there is no clear-cut direction in Scripture.

    1. So true - women are not clones created to do everything the same, women are a diverse bunch and that is what I love about the women I know. And sometimes we need to stop and listen to the stories women have to say and find out why they are doing things differently - women who don't breast feed are often criticised, but sometimes if we have the time to listen there is often a very valid reason (i.e. can't breastfeed) and what they want is some understanding and kind words.

      Have a wonderful day and week ahead

  6. Yes, we are all works in progress. And even if we take two steps forward and one backward, God is patient with us and is happy for the progress, and we should be the same with each other.
    I have a couple of people in my life right now who don't even try to see the good that God has done in my life; they are too busy criticizing me. I don't even like to spend time with them, much less learn from them. They are tools in the devil's hands to discourage me, though God is also using them to push me toward practicing godly attitudes so that I will make every effort not be like them.

    1. Very true - no one is perfect and we are all works in progress. We should always try and look for the positive in others and be encouragers rather than trying to tear people down. it is very arrogant of women to do this. Have a wonderful week ahead :)


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